Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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