Im at strip club and am horny
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
