I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
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