i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
