the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
