i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I think i got beer on your cat.
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