and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I think i got beer on your cat.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
