everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
