im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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