You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
