I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
as a side note pls kill me
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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