Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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