u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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