it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
