I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
