Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
