Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
