So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
im holly from the hills drunk
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
