So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I am midnight drunk by noon
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
