we made out on top of his cat.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
