can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
