You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Randomize
