I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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