My liver just broke up with me...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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