No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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