I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
