New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
