there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
