I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
