He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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