the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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