I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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