I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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