next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
