You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
