My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
