My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
