Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
