apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
