I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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