Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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