If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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