It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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