I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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