I will die if light touches me.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
