the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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