I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
