He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
