I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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