So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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