Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Let's paint friendship bongs
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
