So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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