So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
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tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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