I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Is Oprah even human
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
