You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
we should paint friendship bongs
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