alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm determined to sit on that face.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
