Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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