swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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