put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
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Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
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Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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