Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
