All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
