why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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