I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
