so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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